About an hour ago, I received a phone call from the fertility center.  It was my nurse coordinator.  The first words out of her mouth were, “We have a few problems.”

I felt the bottom drop out of my stomach.

She went on to tell me that I had apparently tested positive on the drug test.  My mind was immediately racing and I was cursing myself.  I don’t know why I was cursing myself.  I haven’t smoked marijuana in almost a year now, and I don’t use any other drugs, so I really had no reason to immediately beat myself up.

But then she told me that I had tested positive for opiates–for morphine, specifically.

I haven’t touched morphine in my life and I haven’t had any recent IV drips or anything (that I know of), so of course I insisted that there’s no way that could be.   She continued on.  I also, apparently, have a urinary tract infection!  I have no idea how that could be true either–I haven’t had any symptoms of a UTI in well over a year now.  Fortunately, the nurse coordinator seemed to be on my side.  She reassured me that from meeting me and looking at my history, she doesn’t believe that I would be secretly shooting up morphine.  After some discussion, I then remembered that I had been sick that day.  I was taking codeine cough syrup at night and cough syrup with dextromethorphan in the day–both of which can set off a false positive for opiates.

So mystery solved, right?  Not so much.  Policy requires the nurse coordinator to notify the recipients of my positive drug test.  Then it’s up to them to decide whether or not I get re-tested.  The nurse promised to tell them the whole story, but I was still nervous.  I had no idea if this couple were the kind of people who would have a knee-jerk reaction to the word “drugs” and not want to hear another word (read: ultra-right-wing conservatives).

As you can imagine, it was a nerve-racking ten minutes waiting for the nurse to call back.  In the meantime, I doubly cursed that cough that I had as well as whatever caused my phantom UTI.  I don’t enjoy UTIs.  Even if they are totally invisible.

Thanks be praised, the nurse coordinator called back and let me know that the recipients were fine with my getting re-tested.  My appointment is for tomorrow–I get to give myself injections AND have another awkward pee-in-a-cup.  But I assure you, I’m counting my blessings and staying as far away from cough syrup and poppy seeds as I can get.

I’m also celebrating with toast and honey.  Mmmm.

Or as Tyler and his roommates call it: Melty Rivers.

Or as Tyler and his roommates call it: Melty Rivers. I talk about food on this blog a lot...Maybe once I'm done donating I'll turn it into a foodie blog. Watch out, Pioneer Woman!