Yesterday I went in to re-take my drug test.  I was fortunately spared the awkwardness.  The nurse handed me the cup and directed me to the bathroom, saying “I’m supposed to go in there with you, but I don’t really want to.  I think it’s kind of stupid.  I’ll be right outside when you’re done.”  I’m sure this was totally against protocol, but whatever.  Now I have to wait a few more weeks for those results.  I’m hoping I didn’t accidentally ingest anything else that might cause a false positive.  I don’t want to be barred from donating my eggs because it turns out that anything from Taco Bell will show up positive for amphetamines or something.

That was the first part of my appointment.  The second part involved receiving all of my medication and also learning how to use all of it.  I was sent home with a paper grocery bag stuffed with all this:

Fertility Medicine Wall -- Neutral Creature. ST=0 HP=50 Defense.  ST+30 and Penetration in combat.

Fertility Medicine Wall -- Neutral Creature. ST=0 HP=50 Defense. ST+30 in combat.

Injections galore!!
I don’t know if anyone’s interested in hearing about all this stuff, but here goes.

The first medication I’m on is called Follistim.  This is supposed to give my ovaries a good kick in the tuckus so that they’ll start producing more eggs.  The Follistim website promises that it “provides women with a discreet, convenient method to self-administer fertility treatment with ease and confidence using the unique dial-a-dose feature.”  It’s also the most fashionable, in my opinion.  It comes with a neat little pen and a rather fetching carrying case.

Shoot up in style.

Shoot up in style.

Next is Menopur.  Or as I call it, Menopurrrrrrr.  Makes me think of a menopausal cat.  Do cats even get menopause?  Do I even want to find out?

Anyway, Menopur will also stimulate my ovaries and promote egg maturation.  This one is a little more complicated, as it involves some alchemical mixing of the partial contents of some vials into others and particular means of shaking and so on.

Later on, I’ll be taking Ganirelix, which I just love saying.  It’s meant to prevent ovulation from happening too soon.  Lastly, about a day before they actually extract the eggs, I take a dose of Lupron to make doubly sure that none of them get ovulated and lost.

Now then, did I mention that all of the above are injections?  Every single one of them.  I’m pretty comfortable with needles, but I’ve never given myself a shot.  However, there are scores of videos on YouTube of people injecting the aforementioned fertility drugs, with quite a spectrum of reactions.  Some say they don’t feel it, some just kind of wince, and some flat-out scream.  All of the injections are done into your lower belly, and you’re supposed to “dart” it in at a 90-degree angle.  The nurse coordinator demonstrated for me on a cube of what looked like some sort of stress-ball, foamy material.  I have a feeling it will turn out a little different when it’s human flesh.  Fortunately, I don’t need to start sticking myself with any of these until after my next appointment.  I’ll have another update then.