My personal life


Follitropin Alfa (“Gonal F”)

A human follicle-stimulating hormone preparation of recombinant DNA origin.  Stimulates the growth and recruitment (ten-hut!) of immature ovarian follicles.

Human Menopausal Gonadotropin (“Menopur”)

Luteinizing hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin, and follicle-stimulating hormone recombinant extracted from the urine of postmenopausal women (yup). Used to stimulate the development of multiple eggs.

Side Effects
a.k.a Everything I Arbitrarily Blame on Fertility
 Meds

— Headache
— Fatigue
— Loss of appetite
— Surprise vomiting
— Days-long bouts of hiccups
— Extreme desire for wine
— Camel-like ability to store water
— Feelings of empathy towards pufferfish
— Irrational and all-consuming desire to procreate
— Weight gain that follows no predictable rhyme, reason, or pattern
— Being forced to downgrade to girl pushups
— Watching Gone with the Wind and crying
— Watching Fight Club and crying
— Getting majorly pissed off at minor obstacles (e.g. any line containing more than two persons, objects heavier than 15 pounds, temperature shifts of more than 2 degrees)

You can see why I’ve been trying to sequester myself away as much as possible.  No one wants to hang out with me when I’m in a constant state of Alan Rickman.

The price of being virile

The price of being virile

(Bidding pool for HALF BABY-MAKE VACUUM UP GAME 4.0 opens tomorrow morning.)

Right now I’m sitting down with my big ol’ folder of paperwork.  Most of it is pretty predictable: liability forms, consent to allow peer review, etc, etc.  Basically just my signature required a bunch of times.

The most interesting form is the Donor Profile.  I was a little confused when the nurse handed it to me, as I’d already submitted to them information about my height, weight, ethnicity, etc.  Apparently, potential parents want to actually see something handwritten in front of them.  “So make sure your writing is neat and you don’t scratch out anything,” the nurse told me.

Using the utmost care and neatest penmanship, I began to fill it out.  Pretty basic stuff at first.  Racial group, religion, blood type, hair color and type…

There was a whole section devoted to what my skin was like.  Whether I had lots of freckles (only a few), my pigmentation (ghostly white), and so on.

Then came the “Personal Characteristics” page, which feels more like a questionnaire for a dating service than to be an egg donor.  Well, a combo, I guess.  They ask about a bunch of personal, first-date type questions combined with questions about your math skills and athletic skills, which I guess some people think will get passed on to any children produced from your genes.  I can’t put in my exact answers for fear of too much identifying information, but these are all the things they wanted to know about:

1.  Math Skills/Ability.  Okay, I can understand that your little future chitlin needs to be proficient in math to make it through those tough elementary years.  I enjoy math a lot, but never really pursued it.

2.  Mechanical Skills.  I mentioned that I built my own computer, but then I didn’t know if they were looking for, “I replaced the engine in my car in under an hour,” so I mentioned that I didn’t really know much about cars.  If you were wanting your child to grow up to be an auto mechanic, look for another donor’s genes.

3.  Athletic Skills.  I can also understand this one.  I know many parents have dreams of their child, in addition to  being a math whiz, growing up to bring home a gold medal.  Unfortunately, the chances of me bringing home a gold medal in the olympics are incredibly low unless they add a competetive turn-your-tongue-into-a-clover event within the next year or so.

4.  What is your favorite sport?  The truth is a big fat “none,” but the tone of the questionnaire so far has been pretty anti-sports, so I made a stretch and said that I like watching baseball.

5.  Musical Skills.  So we want a math whiz, and a gold medal-winner, AND a future maestro.  Luckily, I do have a little bit of musicality in me.  Played the flute for a few years, and now I’m trying to learn the finger symbols.

6.  What is your favorite type of music?  Okay, what the hell is this?  Why do my musical preferences matter?  Maybe the whole point of this survey is to see if I’m the type of person the potential father would bang.

She likes Bon Jovi? Yeah, I’d definitely see myself mixing genetic material with her at some point.  Call ‘er up!”

7.  What languages do you speak?  Some French and Japanese.  According to Kookey’s Kooland, this is an inherited trait.

8.  Special Hobbies/Talents.  I wasn’t sure what to put here.  I have a bunch of hobbies, but I don’t know that I’d call any of them “special.”  Bellydancing?  Knitting?  Being really good at being a student?

9. Describe your artistic abilities.  Finally we can talk about my forte.  I mentioned all the acting and drawing and dance and everything else that I enjoy way more than sports.

10.  What are your favorite foods?  Um….okay, I guess it’s another one of those “would you bang me?” questions.  I couldn’t pick one, so I put all of ’em.

11. What is your favorite color?  Now it’s starting to feel like a myspace bulletin/survey/chain letter.

12.  Do you like pets?  If so, which is your favorite?  Now it REALLY feels like a myspace bulleting/survey/chain letter.

13.  To where would you most travel and why?  I got pretty specific on this one.  Maybe if I could convey my sense of desperation to visit Japan, they’ll kick in a few extra hundred dollars.

14.  How would you describe your personality?  They give you 3 and a half lines for this.  Seriously?  People write autobiographies trying to figure their own personality out, and I have to put it down in 3 and a half lines with no scratching out allowed.

15.  What is your ultimate ambition or goal in life?  See my above complaint.

And on that rather deep note, the survey ended.   I tried to be honest, and I’m not entirely sure if that will help or hurt my eggs’ sales pitch.  But I’ll be damned if you can’t read every single letter crystal clear.